CAPRICORN : It’s no surprise to me that Fauci is a Capricorn. I see most “leading experts” in my life to be Capricorns. A native to our country, born in Brooklyn, his parents were both born in Sciacca, Italy. So, it’s no wonder he’s not only knowledgeable, but also passionate about the state of our country, being affected only shortly after the country where his ancestors and family grew. Covid-19 came on quickly for most, but for some of us, we expected the inevitable. As Capricorn will often delve into the dark parts of their mind, awaiting the creeps to creep along, they can also really take charge. As Fauci has proven to (want to!) do, I suggest you do as well. The power isn’t out for you, so plug in and turn on the light.
AQUARIUS : I’ve recently read that the Aquarius is the most intelligent sign of the zodiac. I do believe that this is in part due to our extreme desire to understand everything, or at least to try to. Albeit often a sensual introvert (see Carl Jung’s “The Portable Jung” for a decent definition), we Aquarian’s crave external inspiration, which is sometimes from other humans. This current state of necessary isolation, social distancing, volunteer quarantine, or whatever you want to call it is simply out of the natural ways of Aquarius. We need to be free, we need to soar above all and be seen! And so I leave you with the ditty I read on my Yogi brand Green Tea bag this morning, “If you let yourself be successful, you shall be successful”.
PISCES : Philly was about halfway through the glorious, laid back Pisces season, when the most uptight thing imaginable happened to our city - people starting becoming infected with the Coronavirus. A season, normally spent to let go of the days of winter and welcome the days of spring, was nearly forgotten by our human conscious, which was instead overrun with a deadly, fast spreading virus. Yet, rain still fell, the sun still shined, the flowers still bloomed, the birds still chirped, the night was still, windows were opened, gardens were growing, and all the other best parts of your season were not forgotten - and neither were you. Keep your head up, Pisces. The rest of us need your strange demeanor to keep us on our toes.
ARIES : In April 1920, 100 years ago, the billboard top song was “Alice Blue Gown”, by Edith Day. It’s a song about a dress from the musical Irene. I began to watch Irene recently - it was a small theater company’s version of the Broadway play. I watched it on YouTube. I could tell that it was probably good, but I couldn’t get past the camera person moving around so much, and the volume was awful. I decided instead, to play “Alice Blue Gown” on my computer, which I plugged into my stereo. I listened to it loud, and it crackled like from a record. Aries, this is your season, and it’s your time to do your thing. As we are well aware, your time is interrupted by COVID-19. You can keep watching your life get interrupted by this vicious monster, or you can figure out a way to continue to love what you do with that Aries kind of satisfaction. Don’t let the camera person control your outcome!
TAURUS : “First imaginary symphony for nomad, performed by vacuum cleaner” are lyrics sung by The Music Tapes. The Music Tapes were a band on the Elephant 6 label, which hosted a cult of bands in the 90s. I was always attracted to those lyrics, because I always wanted to travel and be nomadic - I’d imagine my veins were the highways on the roadmaps (Rand McNally, to be precise), my blood traveling through my body, and the sound of the vacuum cleaner was almost as loud as the 1970 Chevy Nova that I imagined driving around. I fulfilled that dream of being a nomad, and much like the vacuum cleaner, I sucked up a lot of dirt. I was always waiting for someone to empty all that dirt for me, until one day I knew I could be a modern day self cleaning vacuum. Taurus, if you’ve got any dirt to spill, now is a better time than any, as time is all you’ve got.
GEMINI : You know who is a Gemini? Donald Trump is a Gemini. A Gemini, as I understand, is sharp and smart and witty. An Air sign, carefree and light as a feather, and can really be charming enough to wing anything. And our horrific president is doing just that - winging everything. You know, If I could wing anything, it would be my arms, and I would fly very far away, but that is besides the point. In the same right, Gemini will protect themselves before protecting another. Well, for once, this is your time to do just that. It’s like the airplane guide always says, “put your mask on first, then help others”. Now is no truer a time. You’re a leader, Gemini. Help others to follow that lead, and stay safe while you do!
CANCER : The cashew tree, growing as high as 46ft. Tall, produces the cashew apple, and within it, the cashew seed. This seed, often considered a nut, is the part we know and love. Cashews, full of goodness, can produce enough tryptophan to alter and elevate your mood. Before there was lobotomy, there was trepanation. Drilling a whole into one's skull to relieve pressure, is also said to aid in relieving depression. Two complicated ways to go about getting relief, I’m sure you’re already intrigued and looking for rope to tie your feet together to hoist you up that cashew tree, or for ways to sterilize the sharp tools you could use to open your skull. Cancer, I recommend you take some time to breath. Breathing is also known to relieve bad feelings, and it is a simple at home procedure. The warrior in you needs its rest, too. Lay down, and be free.
LEO : 1816 was the year without summer. Due to a volcanic eruption of Mt. Tambora in 1815, which at it’s time was the largest eruption in 1,300 years, weather all over the world was changed. In June 1816, many northeastern states had a snowfall! I dream of a year without summer every year, and this year in some way, I bet I’ll get it. Not that summer won’t come, but that all that I am used to about it will be at a stand still. Too eerie to be peaceful. Leo is like the sun goddess of our zodiac. When Leo season comes, we follow you as you trot through the fields of summer grass, as it brushes on your legs. We follow your skin showing and glistening as you perspire in the warmth. How can we follow you now, when it feels dreary and like the snow is falling in June? How will you help to guide us through to Leo season? Take this into consideration and reach out as if you are the sun goddess, the bride of Heaven. Take us to the picnic in the park, where we can all be together.
VIRGO: In September 1958, Abraham Lincoln is known to have stated, “You can fool all the people some of the time and some of the people all the time, but you cannot fool all the people all the time.” In today’s modern world, we are all wanting to believe in something. Who to believe is an easy call, but it can seem hard vs. what we want to believe. We are being fooled over and over again, but we want to be fooled (no such coincidence that today is April Fool’s Day!). Virgo, the truth seeker, the no bullshit sign (unless of course it is your bullshit), help us to take on the realness of this current situation. Show us how to hunker down and relax a little. Be your passive aggressive self, and make us feel good about this, even when we know the truth.
LIBRA : Humorist Jack Handey once wrote, “One time I was going to throw a surprise party for Marta, but the surprise ended up being on me. That’s because the party seemed like too much trouble and I eventually gave up, and I was surprised to find out I was that lazy.” Libra, this is a hard time for many. It is like every day is that day where you are so hungover when you start work - maybe still drunk - and your thoughts are going a mile a minute, and you tell yourself you are going to get so much done after work. Then, by the time it is after work, your hangover has sunk in, and you are only capable of napping, ordering a pizza, eating the whole pizza, and getting stuck in a YouTube hole, watching log flume rides for hours until you eventually fall asleep. Don’t get there! Get those ideas, write them down, and don’t get overwhelmed - just focus on one thing at a time. You will be surprised how much you can do!
SCORPIO : In some of the most beloved SNL years, Mike Myers played a character named Linda Richman. Linda was the host of a talk show called “Coffee Talk” in which she would give topics to the viewers to discuss among themselves, while she herself became “verklempt”. She once gave the topic “Palmolive” stating it was “neither palm nor olive”. Right as she was, for Palmolive was and remains simply a dish soap. There are many things we try to put together that are not what they seem. Are you experiencing this kind of thing in your life today? Are there things you’re seeing come together that otherwise make no sense except in the single regard that you are forced to see them as they are? Well, Scorpio, our zodiac philosopher, now is your time to sit and think. Thinking, one of your favorite pastimes is now accepted while you have no time for much else. This being said, I’d like to give you a topic - DayQuil. It’s neither day nor quil; discuss among yourself.
SAGITTARIUS : I have both done research myself, and I’ve spoken to architects I know about the building of stairs. I’ve learned that there are actually requirements to building stairs, thus to both be and feel safe while using them. I remember when the Urban Outfitters in Center City moved from its location at 18th and Walnut Streets to nearer to 17th at Walnut Streets, where it remains today. The old building, which remains in the family, is now home to Anthropologie. It is a glorious building. I do remember shopping there as a teenager. Back then the clothing and the building met my expectations. I remember walking up and down that marble staircase and feeling so luxurious, only to be walking out with used sailor jeans at the low cost of $10, and which already had the bottoms cut to fit my height. When the shop relocated, I was already forming my reluctance to support such an evil corporation, but I was intrigued (and shopped there, with heavy guilt). The thing I recall most from that store is the staircase. Walking up or down that staircase, I felt like I was going to fall up or down. It’s as if each stair is slightly further or closer apart than its predecessor, and the curve of the staircase makes for a dizzy spell. Years ago, recalling this feeling, I visited both this location and the one on 36th street. I walked up and down both staircases in each location, and I had the same feeling on each - I was dizzy and I felt like my legs were wobbling. The lack of care of the building design itself, proves to be the lack of care for the manufacturing and the inspiration for the UO brand (ripping off other artists). Maybe they thought a wacky staircase would be their thing, but as they’ve proven to do time and time again - they make shitty stuff that doesn’t hold up well. Sag, this time is weird, wouldn’t you agree? Maybe you are losing sight of the internal inspiration you normally work from, and it is ok to get it externally. Just be sure to keep true to your brand. This year started off funky, and by Sag season, we are going to need you to guide us into the next year with all you’ve got!